Reason vs Emotion: Understanding Anger

Why do we lose our cool in arguments? We often blame our emotions, claiming that anger caused us to lose reason and say things we regret. What if it's the other way around? What if the loss of reason actually causes the anger?

Think about it: you're having a disagreement with your partner. Words are exchanged, and suddenly, you're furious, saying things you later regret. The conventional wisdom is that the anger took over, clouding your judgment. However, this explanation puts you at the mercy of your emotions, suggesting you're destined to repeat the same pattern.

Instead, consider this: the moment you lost your reason was the moment you became angry. The fight began not with the anger, but with your initial reaction to your partner's words or actions. This perspective, common in Stoic philosophy, suggests that anger isn't the cause of lost reason, but the result of it.

In a previous post on Modern Stoicism, I discussed how Stoics believe negative emotions like anger stem from a lack of understanding or reason. Perhaps you didn't fully grasp your partner's perspective, or maybe you misjudged the situation. Whatever the reason, this gap in understanding creates a void, which the brain often fills with negative emotion.

Now, you might argue that this process is subconscious, making the anger feel inevitable. But even if it's not a conscious choice, understanding the root of the problem allows us to find a solution. Stoicism offers a path to train our subconscious mind:

• Reflect on the trigger: Analyze the situation after the fact. Pinpoint the exact moment you felt anger rise. Why did it upset you? Were there any missing pieces of information that could have changed your reaction? Did getting angry actually improve the situation?
• Practice questioning: In the heat of the moment, try to pause and ask yourself why you're upset. Is there something you're not understanding? This takes practice, but the more you do it, the more natural it becomes.
• Practice misfortune: Once you're better at identifying triggers and questioning your reactions, start imagining upsetting scenarios, or even gently expose yourself to them, and practice restraint and reasoned responses. This builds resilience and helps you prepare for real-life challenges.

Having struggled with anger myself, I've found this philosophy, along with therapy, incredibly helpful. It's not about blaming yourself for feeling angry. It's about taking control of your emotions so they don't control you. It's about recognizing that reason, not emotion, should be in the driver's seat.